We have the option to be gentle with ourselves.
As I continue to work with more and more clients I have started to see patterns arise in our collective psyche. I’ve come to understand that my work as a coach is, in essence, to help people rebuild their connections with themselves. To help them hear their deepest longings and truths, to help them trust their inner wisdom, and to help them move through protective emotions and avoidance towards what they most want to be or do.
The number one reason I hear clients keeping around that negative, mean or bitchy voice in their head is: Motivation! There is a fear that we will get lazy without some asshole up there telling us what to do. Gently inquire, is there another way that you are willing to be motivated? Maybe it is the voice of an encouraging mother, of a cheerleader or the voice of a wise but firm sensei. It’s most important to know that you have the ability to notice and redirect the voice that ‘naturally’ arises.
I say naturally in quotation marks because the harsh or critical voices we hear are often voices that we integrated from our early caregivers, peers or larger society, mimicking their praise and their admonishments.
What are the tools?
Awareness. Notice the common critical phrases that you hear.
Curiosity. Inquire into what the voice is trying to encourage you to do.
Pause. Take a beat between what the voice is urging you to do and doing it.
Question. Is there a better, more supportive, way to get that thing done?
Try. Experiment with the new way and see how it feels.
Be thankful. Thank yourself for going through this process.
One of my critical voices arises when there is a moment without something to do. It says, “What are you doing? You’re so lazy, just sitting around. You should get up and do something.” I’ve identified that this voice really cherishes the experience of being alive and is truly concerned that it is going to miss out on experiencing life in its fullness. When I see it from this lens I am able to be more gentle and supportive and guide myself towards things I really want to do, while reassuring the voice that I am taking care of us the best I can
Further reading to support your growth:
- I wish everyone had a copy of Your Resonant Self by Sarah Peyton who goes to great lengths to impart the wisdom of neuroscience in creating self-directed warmth.
- Either of Tara Brach’s insightful works titled Radical Compassion or Radical Acceptance will support you with a Buddhist philosophical purview.
- I’m excited about Alex Elle’s After the Rain book, sharing her journey from self-doubt to self-care.
